2nd week of 40 days

The learning process never stops does it? Ever since college I get these moments where I find myself in a learning situation and sometimes...just sometimes...I want to close it all off, plug my ears and shut my eyes tight. Sometimes, I just get tired and my brain can't take it. BUT, God is teaching me a lot these days. As usual. So I'm trying to keep my eyes open and pry my hands off my ears.......
which leads me into how doing this 40 day water campaign has been tough, not going to lie, but I do find that somedays I just don't think about...I just drink my water, sometimes sigh to myself when I look at a coffee maker and then go about my day....never asking God what is going to be taught today, never opening my eyes to what may be revealed, never thinking about the "why" and the reason I am doing this. It shouldn't be that way. Now somedays it's constantly there, constantly making me aware of so many things. I am praying that I would continue to have more of the latter.
Not only has this whole thing reiterated how important community is but it's also shown me how important awareness and intentional thinking is. First community: You can go at something alone, seek God's strength to get through, etc....but there is something about doing something, knowing that there are other people standing alongside doing the same thing, for the same cause, giving each other encouragement along the way. My brother is here visiting and has also committed to doing this water campaign with me. Usually Connor and I go on our traditional little coffee shop dates, we sorta started this after I went off to college and would come back to visit. Well it's been awesome to instead go at this together and find other ways to spend time together and put that money towards a greater need. Then on my really hard days when all I want is a big huge mug of coffee I head over to a certain facebook, the guy who spread the word about this and the person who inspired me to step forward in taking on this challenge. He is constantly putting up his motivation for the day or an encouragement for those doing the 40 day water campaign. It's through community that we are pushed, challenged and encouraged to make a difference in our world.
Then there is awareness:
You become so much more aware of what you spend your money on or how you spend your time when you take something as simple as buying a beverage out of your daily routine. A sacrifice that, in the end, doesn't earn you more success or help you up the totem pole but that brings awareness into your life. You spend more time thinking about what you have and what you take for granted and you have a simple chance to take that and turn it around to bring good to someone else who is in much greater need.
I had done the whole 30 hour fast thing with youth groups growing up but I remember being so busy doing things during it and making it fun that I don't know if I ever understood the point. I've read about fasts in the Bible, heard about people going on media fasts etc and always thought that was great but just never thought about why. Now this is in no way a major fast (although I'm realizing just how much I depended on coffee) but it's enough to make me take a few steps back and really learn, be taught, look closer. It's a time to take something that I "need" (or think I need) to survive my busy American style, stessful day away and instead turn to God. It's a time when you are constantly being reminded of something missing and through that being reminded of these bigger issues in our world. I find myself praying more, seeking God more passionately, and aching to make more of a difference with my life. Now I also find myself praying to God that he would give me a shot of holy caffeine and espresso so I can face my day with the energy needed, but so far He has just answered with a "wait and see" see what He has in store.
So lots of awareness, lots of prayer, lots of learning...like I said before, I am trying to pry my hands of my ears and open my eyes so I don't miss a thing.
I also just want to say that I only am sharing this because I do with all my heart believe that this is such a good cause and because God has been peeling at some layers in my life and teaching me and I love to share that, I love to get other's thoughts and I am in the process of learning to put myself out there. I am not writing about this to brag about what I am doing, but it is a situation that is my life right now and why not write about it like I would any other situation?
I'm gonna go drink some water and go to bed. :)

40 Days of water

So I had this random awesome opportunity to babysit for Mike and Kelley (Mike's the lead singer in Tenth Avenue North) well it was an interesting night of getting to hear some inside scoop on things and it was also cool to get to hang out with the band a little. But man Mike and Kelley...most amazing couple. So adorable and they have the most precious baby girl. At one point Mike was on the bus and mentioned this thing that Blood: Water Mission was doing (if you don't know Blood:water mission is an amazing organization...check it out) anyway its a campaign where you sign up, have your own log and profile to keep track and you commit to going with only tap water for 40 days. Go here (http://40days.bloodwatermission.com/) to find info and sign up. You can do it lent style and take Sunday off or you can go straight through. It's such an incredible way to not only put your money normally used on frivolous drinks to a good cause but also to just give you a very slight feel of what it's like to go without something. Plus it's kind of sickening how much money is spent on just refreshments and coffee (I'm very guilty, I love my coffee and live off caffeine). My little brother is joining me on this 40 day venture and so many people all over are joining the cause......I highly encourage you to check it out, what's giving up something for 40 days? When it means that people who don't even have simple clean tap water, will be able to have that.

broken

My heart lay heavy on the floor
the trying and the running having drained
every ounce of strength from my soul
I'm just a stupid, clumsy girl
always trying to carry the load on my own
never seeing the stones that may cause me to fall
stumble flat on my face and making me feel so incredibly small

I long to follow your path
I desire to walk in your will
so how do I always end up here
at the bottom of the hill
having tried so hard to climb up
and somehow always getting lost
always tumbling back down head over heels?

I follow blindly I step out in faith
yet how do I continue to end up with the reins?
how is it that it always starts with you
and ends with me?
how do I end up in this mess?
How can I not see?

My intentions seem pure
but my actions take control
and leave me hurting on the floor
I stand alone in the dark
betrayed and deceived
still longing for some guidance
but no direction do I see

I know where I belong, right here and right now
yet why? and for what?
I try to figure out
but I'm over the trying. I'm done doing it on my own
and once again I'm laying at your throne
tears pouring out, I lay all of me, broken and torn
with no where to turn

I long to live the life that you wish
I will take any step you say
but right now I have no idea
and I need you to take hold of my hand
and walk with me the whole way....

Love....is in the air?

So every February there comes this heightened presence of "love". Really this "love" just consists of red and pink things all over the place, hearts, candy, flowers, and of course those little valentines that you put sooo much thought into...I mean come on writing down everyone's names from a list takes a LOT of thought and "love".
Well in honor of valentines day I want to write a little bit about love. There is something that has come up over and over again as I have moved here and faced so many new trials and challenges. And that is the importance of community and the human desire and need for love. As we have gotten involved in a church and just recently a small group we have discussed things like, why we had to be created with the freedom of choice, because love essentially is a choice, how when involved in a community or group in order to fully give and recieve love you must learn to be vulnerable with each other. Then my roomie and I started a book that is all about our soul's desire for love. (if you are looking for a great book, read Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus.)

So love let me begin with a few quotes that have stuck out to me....
"How can it be that in the postinformation age, in the era of the technological revolution, we still need something as primitive as love? No matter how many times we fail at love or how many times love fails us, we plow ahead. Even the scars of love rarely stop us from risking at love. Strange as it seems, in the midst of our most painful memories, we find our most treasured ones."
"When love does not come to you, it breaks your heart, but when you do not give love away, it hardens your heart. One thing stranger than our need to be loved is our need to love, which again leads me to my conspiracy theory: We are designed for love."

Now this does not just apply to romantic love, and falling in love with someone but it fully applies to all your relationships. One of my biggest adjustments after graduating college has been coming home to an empty apartment. In college I was an RA/SHC which really meant that unless I was sleeping (and even then sometimes too) I had people in my room or apartment. There were constantly people around. Now we weren't always having deep challenging conversations, in most cases we were procrastinating, making late night snacks and taking a "break" to watch a movie. But there were people there, sitting by your side, you had companionship. Now flash forward to now, my roomie and I are now working opposite shifts and I have yet to meet any friends my age who aren't married with kids (no offense to those who are, I love you all). So I spend my day playing with my sweet kids I nanny, sometimes heading to the pump it up bounce house or the science center (only to be surrounded by highly caffeinated moms holding their starbucks cups, chatting about who's child is progressing faster or what type of formula they use) and then I head home and walk into an empty apartment. Most evenings I find myself lasting only about 30 minutes before I have to head to target, go to the gym or head to a coffee shop. Not because I am meeting anyone there and not cause I'm going to have a conversation with anyone there, but because there are just people there, there is a human presence and you feel like a part of something.
We need love. We need to give love. We desire love. we thrive when we are in community.
Although I am still working on the relationship thing here I have been given a view of something very unique here that I have not seen anywhere else that I have lived.
People are so aware of what is going on in the world and what hurt is happening...you can't even go to the grocery store without over-hearing a conversation or seeing an adorable family with all their adopted little kids. There are constantly benefit concerts, fundraisers, organizations raising money....and let me tell you, you go to one of those benefit concerts, orphan sunday or a fundraiser dinner here...it does not matter that you are sitting next to a billionaire...there is such a longing in everyones eyes to serve, to look outside their own world. People here know what mission means. And I have been taught so much by just getting to stand back and watch.

I also wanted to add (without making this post too much longer....you are probably being lulled to sleep by now)....I have been following this amazing woman's blog for a long time now and not only is she just honest, funny and an amazing photographer...she has a heart to make a difference and show love in a way that is so often overlooked in our society. Her and a friend started this blog. Its simple. They post a picture, just a simple candid picture of a woman. And your job as a viewer is to comment on her beauty...with specifics. Have you ever had someone come up to you in the grocery store and compliment you? well I never had until just the other day. I was rushing through trying to grab something real quick and feeling pretty frazzeled when this sweet lady in her sweet southern voice says "darling, that is the cutest outfit I have ever seen! how did you think to even put that together?" now hopefully she was not being sarcastic...but that compliment not only caught me completely off guard but lifted my spirits so high. We desire acceptance and love. This blog is doing a wonderful job of starting at the basics. :)

Good night sweet friends...and know that I love you....

community

I have learned many lessons on this journey the past four and a half months but something that has stuck out the most is our human need for community. I have definitely taken community for granted my whole life and have had a problem with being content not having a "group" but instead having friends from all different "groups". I have truly been blessed with an amazing, diverse, strong group of friends and support and there is not a time in my life that I look back on and think, wow I could have made it through that trial without all those people. I always look back and see that God sent me a certain person/people perfect for each situation. Sometimes I get too caught up in thinking about how some friendships didn't last, or that some friends just naturally drift away. Or I kick myself for not being able to keep up with people that I have met and built relationships with. And then I realize (and am sometimes reminded by some people who love me) that the here and now is what's important. The fiends God surrounds us with are the friends we are meant to have at that time...no matter the age or differences that may seem important in the world's eyes.
Now don't get me wrong I still have some incredible friends that I have kept up with for years and that is so important but I have learned that sometimes you need to just let go because you end up spending more time worrying and stressing over making sure you contact every person you know and you miss out on the wonderful community in front of you.
I have also learned that I am a huge people person. I always think that I love alone time but then when I get that time....and a lot of it these days...I realize just how much I crave conversation and fellowship. My poor roommate understands my need for this because when she gets home at night my mouth doesn't stop going till I hit the pillow. And it is very obvious when we hit the weekend and every little activity we may do becomes a huge adventure and hilarious memory.
I have been so blessed here with some amazing families that have been my support, community and encouragement through this whole journey. I have been so incredibly busy just trying to survive and pay bills though that I feel I have missed out on getting involved and having friendships with people closer to my age and lifestyle "status".
I was so blessed to get to go home to Texas this Christmas and spend an amazing two weeks with my sweet Scott family and felt so filled the whole trip. It's amazing what a late night run to taco bell, or a simple midnight trip to walmart can do to fill you up. This is simply due to the fact that we as humans are relational. We thrive in community. I got to spend lots of time with all my sweet Scott siblings and was just overflowing with feeling refreshed. So my news years resolution coming back to TN was to force myself to maybe struggle a little more with bills, back off a little on all the extra side jobs, and take that time to intentionally get involved. We are not meant to live alone, we are meant to sharpen each other, challenge each other, keep each other accountable, live life together, laugh together, and walk along side each other no matter what the trial or triumph may be.

So speaking of being blessed, community, family, etc....here are just a few pictures from my wonderfully perfect Christmas.

Everyone needs a best friend....

So I just gotta write a post about someone who pretty much has meant the world to me because I'm taking her to the airport tomorrow and I won't see her for two weeks and we are sitting here acting like it's saying goodbye for forever.
So one day four years ago I was sitting in my room with a group of people and a friend of a friend. Somehow during the evening the two of us got ditched and well you know those people you just have a connection with the first time you even meet them? Well this was one of those. We ended up having a wonderful heart to heart that night and life was never the same after that moment. This is me talking about my best friend, my sister, my support, my roomie, my encourager and accountability partner. I truly believe everyone needs that person in their life (yes even you guys). You need someone there (not of the opposite sex) to grow in life together, to challenge each other and be the close community that God had planned for each of us. Everyone needs someone to stay up late talking about boys with, to fight with (yes we have and do actually fight), to forgive, to cry with, laugh with and go on wonderful adventures with. I like any other girl long for the day I will meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with....but I am so blessed to already know the one that I will get to giggle and share with about that soul mate that I hopefully one day will have. I already have the person that I want to speak at my wedding (however embarressing it may be), who I want to have play dates with and talk about growing families and life as we get older. I am beyond blessed.
Our friendship the last four years has not been dull in any sense. We have walked through some major deserts and storms, and we have laughed until our sides hurt and tears were streaming from our eyes. We have cried together and watched as each of us has had to take on trials, feeling helpless and wanting to take the other's burdens. We have made fools of ourselves and weirded out many many people around us, we have traveled together and served together. I have watched this girl grow and serve and show her heart in so many ways and am always blown away.
I continue each day here in Nashville just in disbelief that I am living what most people only get to see in movies and tv shows. I moved to the most exciting city, with no plans of jobs or living situations but I did it with my best friend. The things we have gone through would be things that would normally make me want to sit down cry and give up...yet we have treasured them as our most priceless moments and laughed more than I have ever laughed in my life. We have had adventures in an AL walmart, rented a uhaul and moved a HUGE couch by ourselves, lived the life of unemployment, learned to cook without a microwave, slept on the floor and lived in an apartment with no furniture, had photoshoots just to keep us from getting bored from not having jobs, we have worked jobs at 5 am together, we have cried at the wheelers together (thanks for putting up with us you guys) we have snapped at each other and been blessed by each other. So I may not have found my future spouse yet....but I have found my soul sister and best friend. And after this crazy insane week I just felt that she deserved a little shout out on the blog.......I heart you Jenna Noonan and look forward to all the crazy adventures yet to be had.......

thankful for the hectic life

Alright so this was going to be posted more than a week ago but when you are juggling a schedule of babysitting for different families at different times each day, starting a full-time official job, being over you head in folders and folders of pictures needing editing, still not having unpacked from Thanksgiving...and the only down-time is 1 am...blogging just gets put on the back burner.
Anyway, I have had lots of thoughts going through my head about who I am and what my life looks like (being the psych major/over-analyizer that I am). This was what I came to....as much as I always look forward to a day of peace, a normal schedule, normal job, a serene life....that just isn't me.
I was thinking of all the things I miss about my past experiences and not a single one was one of the rare moments of peace and serenity. Not a single one was a memory of sitting on a beach or being by myself reading a nice book or just sitting.
Nope....these are the things that I miss and that I am so beyond thankful that God brought me to.
I miss living in a house of 4 moms and 5 babies, screaming, laughing, tensions and stress levels sky rocketing, struggling with language and adaptation. Walking in the scary dark in the pouring rain with a sleeping baby and strollers full of groceries falling out everywhere. Not knowing what each day would hold. If there would be good news, bad news or no news at all....wondering what I would do if someone were to really follow through with threats and take one of those sweet babies away and spending hours thinking of what I would do if they did (the results would not have been pretty for whoever tried).
I miss being at Mel's having guacamole fights with Mary Margaret, eating oreos and peanut butter with Gin, spending two weeks with my dear dear sweet niece who gave me a wonderful challenge ;) and staying up all night talking about absolutely everything there is to talk about and more while eating strawberries and cut up snickers because that is all we had.
I miss trying to juggle leading a team of people my own age in a foreign country and trying to catch up and be at home in a place that was so familiar to me.
I also miss this....
I miss waking up at the Scott's and laying in bed thinking, oh boy...what will this day bring...and feeling like I couldn't wait to get out of bed and face it, knowing that at the end of the day when I crash and take a deep breath I would look back at the uncountable moments of blessings and laughter. I miss the loudness, the laughter, the talks, the dinners with my dear Mama Scott, the bowling and adventures with Mary Margaret, Gin and Lizzy...the wal mart runs and car wash incidents. I miss playing energy drink games, laying out under the stars all night giggling from being over caffinated yet still in awe and wonder of the amazing meteor shower. I miss feeling totally out of place while Daniel and Caleb took us out two steppin....I miss going to Josh and Betty's and being constantly pulled in two directions, steven on one arm and Jojo on the other all the while looking at my peaceful perfect little simeon.
I miss that the whole day could be stressful, eventful, hectic, crazy and just about everything.....but at the end we could all sit there and laugh and talk and just enjoy family....
And then there are the moments....when my sweet sweet Alli would wrap her arms around me and say.."you are staying forever and ever and ever" or when we would play the "what's your name" game and she would come up with silly names for everyone and then turn to me and say "your name is Kelsey Scott" with the biggest grin on her face. I miss putting her to bed and staying up playing McDonalds Drive through with her. God used that girl to bless me in ways I so badly needed without even knowing I needed it. I miss taking all of them to Cicis and everyone looking at me like I was crazy for bringing 11 children into a restraunt by myself and being so proud of every single one of them. I miss sethys slobery kisses and matthews mischivious moments. I miss Jonathan getting so excited to tell me something that I really had no idea what he was saying. I miss Samuel...Oh MY COW....enough said. I miss My sweet "big" girls and how different they each were from each other but how well they got along and played like best friends. I miss my claire pop and katy....for so so so many reasons. and Gaby ohhhh Gaby I just miss her light...she was usually the first person I saw in the morning and she was always so bright and ready to face the day...it was contagious.
Now here, the moments that wear me out the most, the days when I just want to curl up, fall asleep and have a day off...those are the days I am looking back on and loving the most. The kids I babysit that want to have light saber wars and pirate fights for hours on end....who want to wrestle and tackle and then have a serious 20 yr old conversation......or how one tiny tiny little doll 2 yr old can take more energy out of me than an army of kids but then lay curled up on the couch snuggling and look at me and say ohhhhh KEllSeeeyyyyyy.....oh those are the moments when I am so thankful to be alive and blessed to have so many wonderful little angels in my life. The moments when everyone's voices telling me I need a "real" job and I need to step away from nannying and child care.....thats when those voices just become silence.
I am so beyond blessed to be a part of so many wonderful families lives and to live a life of unpredictability and excitement...even if it is exhausting....
So there is my sentimental belated Thanksgiving post......