Flooding.....I Will Carry You

*EDIT* soooo I am actuaully currently stuck at Angie's house due to these crazy storms and flooding. and we were just mentioning how maybe she should change her blog name to "Stop the rain" instead of "Bring the rain"......anyway please keep all the victims of the floods and tornados in your prayers, there have been deaths, injuries and so so many homes, cares, stores etc damaged. It may get worse as we are supposed to continue to get rain...we have already passed the record for most rain in one day here ever recorded. The flooding is crazy around here and although I am thankful I was blessed to be safe and have a place to stay, I pray for those stuck, those having to evacuate their homes and those waiting to see if they will be reached by the floods. (Also pray for my roomie...she is home with our sweet puppies and it's never fun to be home alone during this kind of thing...especially in our apartment)



You need to go buy this book and support this amazing woman!
Let me tell you a little about who she is.....
Angie Smith is married to Todd Smith (lead singer of Selah) Angie started a blog to keep her friends and family informed about their pregnancy with sweet baby Audrey and it turned into such a way to connect and let others know that they are not walking alone. It has been amazing to see so many touched by this story and I am so proud of Angie for being able and willing to write her thoughts for all to see. She is honest, vulnerable, raw and real. You can check out Audrey's story here (have some kleenex handy), it is a story of faith, trials, pain, inspiration and how God used the short life of one baby girl along with her family to touch thousands. This is not a candy coated happy-go-lucky Christian story of how they just smiled through it all and trusted God...it is so raw, real and refreshing.
Her book gives even more detail and you will not be able to put it down.
SO without further ado...go buy it

hmm love and free-will

mmmm quiet....in my life that doesn't happen very often...even at night our "lovely" apartment building isn't exactly sound proof so there are always some sort of noises going on. but right now it's just quiet. Breck has finally settled down in the Wheeler's garage, polly is sleeping at my feet, sweet little E is sound asleep in her bed...the TV is turned off, no music is on, the busy day has come to a nice little halt....and as I thought about turning on the TV or watching something on the computer or listening to music I thought...I am around noise and hustle and bustle all day long, and so many times I wonder to myself why I have such a problem hearing God sometimes....maybe..just maybe..I'm not taking time to listen. Maybe I'm so caught up with HAVING to be busy that even when I have an hour to just sit in silence, I can't. So tonight silence it was. Silence and a WONDERFUL conversation with a dear friend countries away over the internet. Just what I needed to regroup from my weekend pity party and exhaustion...I finally kicked myself in the rear and got back on my feet. ...ok back to why I'm on here....
So...with all that has been going on and with knowing/hearing/seeing other people's stories too this whole "love" subject has sorta been just lingering in the air for some time now. Our pastor happened to touch on it awhile back while going through genesis a little more in depth than I ever had heard. This whole idea of "can we know love without knowing first hurt, pain, loneliness and shame?" Trying to answer that question everyone asks at least at one point in their life of "if God loves us...or if God loves me...then this would not happen, there would be no hunger, innocent people would not go through pain, there would be no trials, or struggles, families would not fall apart, people would not kill other people...etc." Ever since I heard our pastor talk on Genesis that night I have thought a lot about this and it has come up several times in this whole "community" search as well and what it is we need, look for, expect, in community.

I still don't think there is an easy "answer" but I do think there is an answer that can put, at least me, at ease a little.

When God created he created giving us free will. which can be a subject full of debate....personally I see no debate worth having...we are either robots with no feeling or we are free to make our choices and truly live. not sure who would pick robot....

I'm gonna try not to go to in depth cause I could go on for pages....

We are created with free will right? the freedom to make our own choices, right? Well isn't it true that every choice you make influences someone else? (those who say that your choice is your choice and takes no effect on anyone else are completely naive or in total denial). Even down to which brand of cereal you buy at the grocery store...it influences someone. Now take all the hurt in the world....every situation really is due to someone's decision. Corrupt government leaders, criminals, abusive relationships, etc. These peoples' decisions influence those around them...unfortunately the innocent are usually the ones who hurt from the decisions. Well here is the thing...they are free to choose the right thing to do...they don't, but they did have that decision to make. Just like every one of us has a decision to do the right thing every day. God doesn't "make" things happen to inoccent people, He may allow because he created with the freedom to choose...but He also feels. God hurts when His children hurt. He cries right along side you...but there is where the love thing comes in. Can we know love without hurt? Think of it like this...can you really appreciate something, without first having gone without it? Or having seen someone else go without? God loves us so much He gives us opportunities to confess, to come to Him, to choose to accept His love and to choose to love back. Love is a choice, In the garden after Adam and Eve had sinned they covered themselves and hid. Well as we know you can't hide from God...yet God still went along...calling out, saying "where are you"....He gave them a chance to come forward. Just like a parent..even though they know their child has just hit someone...still asks..what did you do? It's a teaching moment..and why do parents do that? Cause they love their kids...why does God do that? cause He loves us...He WANTS us to make the right choice, He gives us that chance. We wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people...think about your life...have you ever lied to someone? gossiped? said something mean to someone? You hurt someone....You made a choice, the other person didn't yet they paid a price. That is the beautiful messiness of free-will. Without free-will we may not have orphans or hunger, but we also wouldn't have people who love enough to stop their own lives, travel across the world and bring families to those orphans, feed those hungry, touch a hand that no one else will touch....give someone love who had never felt love before...and in doing so share the overwhelming un-changing love of God. Without free-will, pain or hurt...we would have nothing to live for, no purpose, no story, no way of touching lives or being touched by lives. What kind of a life would that be? We can choose to love, we can choose to obey, we can choose to trust, and we can choose to walk in faith when "bad" things happen..knowing that this is not the end..a God who loves us enough to walk through the trials with us, hurting alongside you has a place prepared where there will be no more of the suffering....why? Because He loves us. Who else would be willing to send their perfect son to go through so much pain and suffering so that we may have life? Would you?

just an update...nothing profound :P

So my next post was going to be about the "love" subject along with my last post, but I just need to write a little update on what has been going on the last three weeks of my life......

Whoever says that God is boring, the Bible is bland, or church is un-exciting....has not experienced the God that I serve. And whoever says that there is no such thing as God only coincidence has to admit that there are just WAY to many coincidences that go on in my life to actually be coincidence. So anyway about three weeks ago I started having a very strong stirring in my heart that there needed to be some action taken in changing what I was doing in my everyday life. I came here to pursue my passions and dreams and always told myself that I would not just settle and have a job to have a job....I know, I know, I should be thankful to have a job because the economy is in the dumps. Please don't get me wrong here, I have been so beyond blessed to have jobs since coming to Nashville, but it's time to take some action and leap out in faith now.
I have begged God daily to tell me what my purpose is in moving here and what I am supposed to be doing and the answer I have always gotten up until three weeks ago has been...wait. This is just a waiting period, I have blessed you with financial provisions and I want you to wait. In the meantime...when I call you to serve, just to serve not to gain more money...I want you to obey. So this has been my life for the last seven months. Working, babysitting, photography...when called to...free babysitting or photography.
Well....the day after I started opening up to some options not thinking at all that this was when God was going to end my waiting period I had several opportunities dropped out of the sky for me and some part-time job offers that would work with those opportunities. Let's just say these were some stressful two days as I felt my near future being taken completely out of my control (as if it was in my control to begin with HA). So I told my current job about these things and prepared for the unknown road ahead, still unsure of what was happening...well the same day all this happened my roomie, Jenna, had gotten back in contact with this wonderful lady whom we had met back in October randomly at a Chick-Fil-A...long story short...they were thinking of looking for a part-time nanny. Do you see where this is going? So in just a few short (or should I say...verrrryyy loonnnggg) days I had given my notice to my job, began to pursue some options that I felt may be from God, and met with a wonderful wonderful woman of God who wants me to come help with her precious girls....God is a god of mystery and full of the unexpected. He does things when you have no idea they will happen...and it just further gives proof to His exsistence because no worldly thing could bring about these events.
Now this was all slightly stressful, but exciting stressful...now we add on the OTHER events....
that same weekend Jenna and I somehow out of the blue one weekend night started looking at puppies online (I know, we are so lame and sit on our computers on a weekend). Anyway somehow by the end of the night we had made the very spontaneous decision that we wanted a puppy...we EACH wanted a puppy....that equals two if you didn't quite get that. ;)
So we inquired about some that were super cute but the responses back were a little strange and the next day I came across these two little puppies on some random sight....now the pictures of these were these little black and whites and didn't exactly make them look...photogenic...if you know what I mean. So thinking we were really smart we decide it would be a good stress reliever and fun to just go see them and play with puppies. Just a note...never fall for this when you are with me... I am the queen of spontaneous decisions..that are not usually just small decisions. Anyway we each fell in love with a separate one, but it was to late to start the adoption that night. Both of us worked the next day and we weren't even sure we were allowed to have them in our apartment. Then we found out we can't have big dogs so we thought all hope was lost. But with some very smooth talking (something I actually DID learn at St. Olaf) we got our permission from our landlord. Went the next morning to get them..waited in the crazy mob outside till they opened..thinking they wouldn't even be there cause we had already missed a day....ran inside and found our puppies. Wait..did I mention through all this we decided that we would move early from our apartment to a place that we COULD have big dogs? yeah just another spontaneous decision to add to the pile. The next day, picked up our puppies, headed from there to meet with my new amazing future boss and had the BEST time on a rainy evening with our shoes kicked off curled up in starbucks chairs talking about random stories (best interview ever). I feel like I'm in for God teaching me lots of things through this beautiful family.
The whole next week was filled with vet runs everyday, no sleep at night, nursing a very very sick little puppy back to health (apparently it was a really bad shelter), trying to figure out how I was going to make it financially by cutting my salary in half and started to realize we need to find a new place to live ASAP! But again...God has it all planned out and several people offered to work a flexible weekly schedule that goes around this new part-time job to supplement income, my new puppy started gaining weight and looking/acting like a normal puppy, and we found an AMAZING apartment..that we never thought we would get accepted to but we did (move in on May 29 if anyone is bored and wants to help).
Now I had no say in any of this, this all happened just starting one day. I have felt so humbled and overwhelmed with the things God is doing and keep wanting to pinch myself to see if this really is real. I am a BIG dreamer and come up with crazy elaborate ideas but God never ceases to amaze me with how things work out...it's always so much better than what I had dreamed up.
I have learned so much these past seven months and am so excited to see what new things are waiting to be learned and discovered this year.
There is my super elaborate update, Im switching jobs, doing more volunteer/internship work, moving AND raising a puppy. :) Pretty much God is doing amazing things and this post really doesn't describe it to its full extent at all. I tried to limit all the crazy in-between details that went on that all helped make this happen.


Meet Breck (named after my hometown, Breckenridge..jennas is tonka for minnetonka)
This is when we found him at the shelter....look how tiny and sick he looks
Definitely not tiny and sick anymore!!! growing like a weed!

Continuing community....running, love and so many things

Well I was feeling bad reading through my last few posts because pretty much since I moved here it's been all about community and challenges and such...but I've accepted that it is the chapter that I am in right now...so why not fill it full? (more on this subject can be found in the book Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus..highly suggest you read it....and here...our pastor and his wife giving their testimony http://www.journeyfranklin.com/podcasts.php Feb 28, marriage.)

I just got off the phone with a dear friend and after having a very real, very honest conversation I just had some things on my heart. I was sharing with her some of things that I have been learning from our church, music, and a book that I am currently reading and how it has all been so intertwined, so impacting and challenging. Not just for me but I have talked with my roommate about, several friends and now this other dear friend....it started hitting me...these are things that the human race needs to be talking about, working through, striving for.
This thing called love and the difference between God's ability to give unconditional love, and our longing to receive unconditional love from those around us...yet our inability to offer that to anyone. Communication, we don't communicate. Oh we think we do, we talk, we tell our stories, we vent....but we don't put up boundaries, we don't talk about our emotional needs or others needs, and what happens is we get so overwhelmed expecting to be loved unconditionally and wanting to love unconditionally that after weeks or months of constantly striving to be there to listen no matter what and trying to fix your friends problems and trying to......hmmm see that word trying? God doesn't try..he does. we try and try and try and get more exhausted after every attempt. Yeah, we are human, eventually we hit a wall, we get overwhelmed, and we have nothing left to give. But then you say...wait you have been talking all about our human need for community and walking alongside each other etc etc....yes. Something that I am slowly learning is the need for boundaries within community. This does not mean not sharing our stories and struggles, but being able to love enough to clue into other's needs. To know when maybe we need to stop talking and just know that we are loved, know that those people are there, and know that right now...there is nothing more they can say or do to fix your problem...in the end God is the only one who can fully satisfy, fully be there, and fully know what His will is for you. Sometimes I find myself feeling horrible if I can't be there for everyone and feel like the worst friend because they think that I won't love them or that I don't care...when really I just don't have the strength and if I tried to listen it would do more harm to them than good.
We are constantly living in a cycle of selfishness and we don't know it. We are constantly living with these built up expectations and we have no idea we've created them, we are constantly coming up with excuses for everything that happens to us, we are constantly running away....yet we are hurt and angry with God when our friends walk away because they have become overwhelmed by our problems and struggles...we play the victim and think that they consider us a burden, that they obviously don't know what it means to love, that they obviously aren't true friends......and we don't talk to them about it...we run away...hmmm wait a minute...we...run...away......isn't that why we were upset in the first place....someone ran away....
We as humans are doing a whole lot of running...mostly running in circles...
We don't want to be hurt, we don't know how to give anymore, we don't understand how to help someone, someone doesn't understand how to help us.....we all run. We don't always know we are running but we all do it in our own ways.
Our pastor and his wife got up and gave their testimony because we are talking about marriage these days...I never thought I would get so much out of something and be able to apply so much to my own life....from hearing a marriage story. But wow....it was the perfect picture of this running, expectations, longing to be there but not knowing how, wanting someone to be there but not knowing how we want someone to be there.....no matter what end you are on it's all the same. It came down to them needing to accept each others' limits. After a long day of giving and giving...having a conversation and venting or arguing sometimes needs to just be let go. Not because you don't love each other, but because we are full of limits. We cannot give if we are not full and we cannot expect to be given to. It's amazing how sitting down and talking about something with a dear friend, a spouse, fiance, family member, can give you a new perspective on the situation. Hey I love you and I want to be there with all that I am, but, I am tired, I'm empty and I have nothing to give you right now...can we do this later? Know that I love you, know that I am here I just can't listen right now.
Whoaaaaaa but we are supposed to listen, that's what good friends do. Yes. But. we need to understand that we cannot expect our friends or spouses to be God. We cannot expect a constant, ever flowing strength that is always over-flowing. See God never has to "re-fill" we do.
I'm leaving it at that......I have so much more on my mind but don't feel like writing a book and not expecting everyone to listen to it :) Hmm maybe my next topic will be the other side of this conversation that me and this friend had.....love...what is it? what is the different between our love and God's love? and....why does God allow hurt.......how about this....can we fully know what love is without hurt and long and pain?

2nd week of 40 days

The learning process never stops does it? Ever since college I get these moments where I find myself in a learning situation and sometimes...just sometimes...I want to close it all off, plug my ears and shut my eyes tight. Sometimes, I just get tired and my brain can't take it. BUT, God is teaching me a lot these days. As usual. So I'm trying to keep my eyes open and pry my hands off my ears.......
which leads me into how doing this 40 day water campaign has been tough, not going to lie, but I do find that somedays I just don't think about...I just drink my water, sometimes sigh to myself when I look at a coffee maker and then go about my day....never asking God what is going to be taught today, never opening my eyes to what may be revealed, never thinking about the "why" and the reason I am doing this. It shouldn't be that way. Now somedays it's constantly there, constantly making me aware of so many things. I am praying that I would continue to have more of the latter.
Not only has this whole thing reiterated how important community is but it's also shown me how important awareness and intentional thinking is. First community: You can go at something alone, seek God's strength to get through, etc....but there is something about doing something, knowing that there are other people standing alongside doing the same thing, for the same cause, giving each other encouragement along the way. My brother is here visiting and has also committed to doing this water campaign with me. Usually Connor and I go on our traditional little coffee shop dates, we sorta started this after I went off to college and would come back to visit. Well it's been awesome to instead go at this together and find other ways to spend time together and put that money towards a greater need. Then on my really hard days when all I want is a big huge mug of coffee I head over to a certain facebook, the guy who spread the word about this and the person who inspired me to step forward in taking on this challenge. He is constantly putting up his motivation for the day or an encouragement for those doing the 40 day water campaign. It's through community that we are pushed, challenged and encouraged to make a difference in our world.
Then there is awareness:
You become so much more aware of what you spend your money on or how you spend your time when you take something as simple as buying a beverage out of your daily routine. A sacrifice that, in the end, doesn't earn you more success or help you up the totem pole but that brings awareness into your life. You spend more time thinking about what you have and what you take for granted and you have a simple chance to take that and turn it around to bring good to someone else who is in much greater need.
I had done the whole 30 hour fast thing with youth groups growing up but I remember being so busy doing things during it and making it fun that I don't know if I ever understood the point. I've read about fasts in the Bible, heard about people going on media fasts etc and always thought that was great but just never thought about why. Now this is in no way a major fast (although I'm realizing just how much I depended on coffee) but it's enough to make me take a few steps back and really learn, be taught, look closer. It's a time to take something that I "need" (or think I need) to survive my busy American style, stessful day away and instead turn to God. It's a time when you are constantly being reminded of something missing and through that being reminded of these bigger issues in our world. I find myself praying more, seeking God more passionately, and aching to make more of a difference with my life. Now I also find myself praying to God that he would give me a shot of holy caffeine and espresso so I can face my day with the energy needed, but so far He has just answered with a "wait and see" see what He has in store.
So lots of awareness, lots of prayer, lots of learning...like I said before, I am trying to pry my hands of my ears and open my eyes so I don't miss a thing.
I also just want to say that I only am sharing this because I do with all my heart believe that this is such a good cause and because God has been peeling at some layers in my life and teaching me and I love to share that, I love to get other's thoughts and I am in the process of learning to put myself out there. I am not writing about this to brag about what I am doing, but it is a situation that is my life right now and why not write about it like I would any other situation?
I'm gonna go drink some water and go to bed. :)

40 Days of water

So I had this random awesome opportunity to babysit for Mike and Kelley (Mike's the lead singer in Tenth Avenue North) well it was an interesting night of getting to hear some inside scoop on things and it was also cool to get to hang out with the band a little. But man Mike and Kelley...most amazing couple. So adorable and they have the most precious baby girl. At one point Mike was on the bus and mentioned this thing that Blood: Water Mission was doing (if you don't know Blood:water mission is an amazing organization...check it out) anyway its a campaign where you sign up, have your own log and profile to keep track and you commit to going with only tap water for 40 days. Go here (http://40days.bloodwatermission.com/) to find info and sign up. You can do it lent style and take Sunday off or you can go straight through. It's such an incredible way to not only put your money normally used on frivolous drinks to a good cause but also to just give you a very slight feel of what it's like to go without something. Plus it's kind of sickening how much money is spent on just refreshments and coffee (I'm very guilty, I love my coffee and live off caffeine). My little brother is joining me on this 40 day venture and so many people all over are joining the cause......I highly encourage you to check it out, what's giving up something for 40 days? When it means that people who don't even have simple clean tap water, will be able to have that.

broken

My heart lay heavy on the floor
the trying and the running having drained
every ounce of strength from my soul
I'm just a stupid, clumsy girl
always trying to carry the load on my own
never seeing the stones that may cause me to fall
stumble flat on my face and making me feel so incredibly small

I long to follow your path
I desire to walk in your will
so how do I always end up here
at the bottom of the hill
having tried so hard to climb up
and somehow always getting lost
always tumbling back down head over heels?

I follow blindly I step out in faith
yet how do I continue to end up with the reins?
how is it that it always starts with you
and ends with me?
how do I end up in this mess?
How can I not see?

My intentions seem pure
but my actions take control
and leave me hurting on the floor
I stand alone in the dark
betrayed and deceived
still longing for some guidance
but no direction do I see

I know where I belong, right here and right now
yet why? and for what?
I try to figure out
but I'm over the trying. I'm done doing it on my own
and once again I'm laying at your throne
tears pouring out, I lay all of me, broken and torn
with no where to turn

I long to live the life that you wish
I will take any step you say
but right now I have no idea
and I need you to take hold of my hand
and walk with me the whole way....