Contrast...beauty and broken

There is no way I can write what I want to write here....for so many reasons. The basics being that the Internet is slow and I should have been asleep long ago.
Getting on to Haiti has been anything but easy...the long hard week leading up to it as well as the actual traveling here was full of obstacles and challenges, but I truly truly believe with all my heart that "something" was not happy about us coming here.
I have prayed numerous times for my reaction to Haiti, because I have heard so many different people come back and say things about it just being completely hopeless or that is literally a Hell on earth. I was so afraid that I would come here and feel that God is not here....as much as I believed He was here I still had that fear that maybe people were right.
I can now say with great confidence that God is here and is very evident in so many different ways.
Our long ride from Port Au Prince brought us through devastation, trash, waste, and rubble....but then you would see the beautiful coast line or the green covered mountains rising above it all...and I kept hearing.."I am here"...there is still beauty. Of course that's not good enough for me because it doesn't take away the devastation....so as I'm taking this in and thinking through it, Greg, our leader is talking about how much they had cleaned up and how different it looks just since he was last here a few months ago...and there was sign number 2. God again just kept saying..."I am here" there is hope.
I believe that there is hope for this country. It may not fully be seen in our lifetime but it is our job to make sure that generations to come may see it. I look into the eyes of these kids and I listen to Michelle talk about raising these kids up to be Christian leaders in this country and I just am amazed at what a different picture I am seeing than what has been described as "Haiti".
I have struggled all summer with the fact that I would be traveling to Haiti and not Guatemala, because as most of you know Guatemala is my heart. I was worried I wouldn't fully experience Haiti because my love for Guatemala is just so strong and so that has been a huge and difficult prayer that I have prayed is that for the first time ever...may Guatemala be pushed aside in my heart and mind for this week so that I would fully experience where I am.
I think that prayer has been answered and lucky for me my heart is big enough for two countries.
So on that note....I am going to go dream of tarantulas, cockroaches and centipedes......

A changing generation...

So as I sit down to write this my head is spinning with so many lessons needing to be processed. Over the past five years I have been through the roller coaster ups and downs of learning to trust God, learning to let go of all control and leap out in faith. I've moved to new places, states and countries, I've met people who have hurt me and have blessed me, people who have challenged me and spoken unforgettable wisdom into my life. I mean, in just the last couple months my friend and I went from not knowing where we would be living, me not knowing if I would ever get a job that I like....etc....to being given a gorgeous home so that we can open it to hosting village (small group), welcome in guests and well, know that we are safe and, I have been given the best job I could ever imagine (although it was definitely NOT in my plans of what would be "best").
The faith thing has been hard...it's taken a lot of chiseling and molding me out of my grip of control to get me to learn that God's plans are bigger and when I just jump in and let the waves take me where God wants the destination is so much grander than if I had tried to construct my own raft and draw my own map.

But here is where I got smacked in the face......Tonight....by a bunch of young kids. who would have thought....right (look up 1 Tim. 4:12)? I stand back watching these kids come into youth group all hyped up on social energy, talking fast enough to keep up with Alvin and the chipmunks, playing silly youth games like they were about to win the lottery (only the prize is really just a monster energy drink)......they go from facing the stress and pressures of social circles, classes and activities.....then...the worship band picks up their instruments, the room becomes calm, peaceful....and at that moment...I'm not gonna lie...I can't even focus on the songs. I am so caught up watching the atmosphere of the room change into this complete surrender, worship experience. These "kids" are being met right where they're at, with their messy lives and all...and just being with God. It took me back to my youth group days and I longed to have that passion and life back, to see life in a much bigger way. There is something about that age that gives them a huge advantage for making a difference in this world. And if they allow it, if they are open to it...they have such potential for striking the match and fanning a flame in their relationship with God that will change everything in their future. Tonight the message was about our identity and and who we are....how are we identified? Does the identity come from loneliness, family, abuse, looks, friends? Or do we identify ourselves as children of God? It was awesome to see the youth soak up the message and then just let go, put their hands and hearts out and truly let go. They took it and ran with it. They showed surrender to God, true worship and true community as they stood by each other, prayed for each other and worship with each other. Aaron announced that the leader's would be there to pray with them, but what I watched was so much better...high schoolers were puling in the middle schoolers, hugging them and praying for them, guys were on their knees praying together. They were playing their own roles of leadership and community in the most positive of ways. That's what I love about them. They showed me something tonight...I became very good at one aspect of Christianity, the whole walking in faith, trusting God thing as been a main focus for me...but I've become a little stagnant in the whole, just enjoying God, just letting go and being with Him. Aaron hit it right on tonight....we as leaders come to pour into the youth and "work on them", but instead they are working in each one of our lives. Sometimes leaders just need to sit back and watch the action...let them take off and fly.
This is why I love this age....All night I kept thinking of this quote from my favorite book: "It is small enough to ignore and big enough to change your life forever. Life is the sum total of what you do with the moments given you." ~Erwin McManus. My prayer is that they would grasp hold of this feeling, take hold of that moment, that their hearts would continue to be receptive and the curiosity they have would continue to flourish and cause them to seek God with all their hearts.

dare to be loved, remember who brought me here.

The last week has held so much...I've been working non-stop, thinking non-stop, and just simply going non-stop. I'm going to be honest and say that God has called me to do some crazy things and He speaks to me in awesome ways...but I still seem to find myself putting Him in a box on the shelf saying that I will spend time with Him when I get time, which doesn't happen. This usually happens every once in awhile when I lose sight of who it is that made it possible for me to be here, the one who called me here in the first place...luckily for me He's pretty persistent and weighs things very heavily on my heart. So this past week has been a week of me feeling God saying "Kelsey, I just want to be with you, just come be in my arms and let me take care of everything." I of course hear this but continue to say, well maybe I can do a devo before I go to bed tonight or maybe I can read a little of my Bible during breaks from photography work. I pencil Him in like it were a coffee date that I just don't really feel up to. I used to be great at letting God into all aspects of my life, including Him in my day, not just scheduling "God time". I used to not get through my day if I hadn't spent time with Him. I want that back. He wants that back. I, like most people, have a tough time sometimes grasping how much God loves me, how much He cares about me.
But this week....I was very clearly reminded. He loves me so much He placed these amazing people in my life, He has provided just what I need, He has never left my side, He continues to blow me away with His creativity and plans for my life. I have been trying to process a lot this past week and have been trying to peel away my "self" layers and just be willing to surrender to God and let Him love me and to worship Him with all that I am. It's been a process. I miss Him.
And the thing that really amazes me the most, is despite me trying to put Him in a box, He still has just overwhelmingly blessed me. I've been working for this incredible family the last couple months and we spent this week moving them to a new house so needless to say we spent a lot of time together and I am so challenged by this couple. They strive everyday to live as examples and raise their girls to have good character and love the Lord and it is a daily challenge to me to be better. Something else that God has really laid on my heart this week is how important it is that I'm doing what I am doing. At some point I think I fed into all the lies of people saying that nannying wasn't a real job and it doesn't come with any benefits or perks. As I was standing at a birthday party today a sweet baby in a sling on my spit up covered front, and three girls interacting with new friends it started hitting me how much responsibility I have. I am constantly having to pray for discernment for how to deal with situations and always wondering if I'm going to mess up all this great character building their parents have done. Again I am blown away with how much He loves me....that He would trust me to be a part of working for this family and I am so frustrated with myself for downplaying the path God has put me on.
Lucky for us God is standing, waiting with open arms, always ready, always wanting to pour out His love. I never would have seen myself in this place a year ago....He is doing things beyond my wildest dreams and I'm loving every minute of it....just praying I can keep the focus and remember who it was who brought me here and who it is that will get me through all the stress and trials I may face.....

Capture the moments....

So it's been awhile and I've written several blog entries, but decided not to post any of them. I won't explain why. Let me give a slight update on life these past couple months and what the next few months are looking to hold (although you never know what God has planned).
So my last update we were in the midst of a flood here in Nashville, I had just started a new part-time job, we were planning on moving, we had just brought two puppies into our home....life was crazy.
Well, not gonna lie, it hasn't slowed down one bit....but a lot has changed, it has been filled with many plan altering moments.....
The flood clean up has been phenomenal. I have been shown such a wonderful image of what it means to live in community here. Nashville definitely knows what it means to stand by your neighbor, help a stranger, and give freely to those in need. We have taken a disaster and have done the best we can....using mainly our own resources and helping each other from with, Nashville. It is definitely a sight to see and only strengthens my growing love for this place.
After some stressful days/weeks (I've lost all track of time the past two months) Angie or should I say...Charlotte decided to arrive early...to be exact, she decided to come the day that I just happened to be flying to Colorado. Well so much for having plans ;) although I had to wait a week to meet her I am completely obsessed and cannot get enough of her while I'm at work. I flew to Colorado for a week to watch my sweet, all grown up, little brother walk across the stage and receive his high school diploma...I could not be more proud. It was so good to see him, spend time with family, introduce them to the new puppy (who yes, made the flight there and back on a separate airline than me) and just get away for a week.
Through all of this things had been falling apart with the moving plans and it turns out we just couldn't afford to cut out of our lease early and after a long, extremely frustrating fight with our apartment company and lots of yelling back and forth on the phone we are just sitting tight till our lease is up at the end of October and praying about where God wants us after that.
So...a crazy few weeks.
The next several months holds lots of traveling (hopefully) and I am beyond ecstatic (for those of you who know how restless I get in one place). Jenna and I may be taking a very quick trip to MN beginning of July, then maybe, just maybe I may be going back to CO for a quick trip to see a dear friend get married, then Jenna and I head off on vacation with the dear Smith fam (so excited) then.....ready for it......I may be going to Haiti for a week in September!!! That is if I can come up with $500 by June 27 and then the other $1000 for the rest of the trip. It is a place that has been on my heart since middle school and I am so praying that it works out. Hopefully after that I can then get on my plans about going to Guatemala simply because it has just been too long since I have been to my beautiful home away from home.
It's funny that all this has been coming up and so many discussions have been centered on living a life of adventure...not the lets go out and do stupid things kinds of adventure, but true, life living, God seeking adventure. And how although sometimes it would be nice to have a steady job with benefits and live in the same place for years and secure a nice little bubble around myself....I love love love not knowing what tomorrow holds, I love hopping on a place and not knowing what the next trip will bring into my heart, I love meeting people from all over the world with different stories, backgrounds, cultures and seeing them live out their adventures for Christ. This book I'm reading, by my new favorite author Erwin McManus is talking about moments. How a moment happens in the blink of an eye, a split second, in a breath....yet every moment can change your life, can impact the future is such enormous ways. A favorite quote so far that has stuck out to me is this, "Time was not created with the power to hold you back. And if the future terrifies you, then just take it one moment at a time."
So right now I'm loving the crazy, ridiculous, frustrating, joyful, amazing moments God is bring to my life. I'm loving having no idea what the future holds, having no idea what tomorrow holds, I'm loving being on this crazy adventure that God has lead me to and I'm looking forward to watching it all play out.
So that is my update.....
Praying for you all.....love you, miss you (to all my far away friends and family)

Flooding.....I Will Carry You

*EDIT* soooo I am actuaully currently stuck at Angie's house due to these crazy storms and flooding. and we were just mentioning how maybe she should change her blog name to "Stop the rain" instead of "Bring the rain"......anyway please keep all the victims of the floods and tornados in your prayers, there have been deaths, injuries and so so many homes, cares, stores etc damaged. It may get worse as we are supposed to continue to get rain...we have already passed the record for most rain in one day here ever recorded. The flooding is crazy around here and although I am thankful I was blessed to be safe and have a place to stay, I pray for those stuck, those having to evacuate their homes and those waiting to see if they will be reached by the floods. (Also pray for my roomie...she is home with our sweet puppies and it's never fun to be home alone during this kind of thing...especially in our apartment)



You need to go buy this book and support this amazing woman!
Let me tell you a little about who she is.....
Angie Smith is married to Todd Smith (lead singer of Selah) Angie started a blog to keep her friends and family informed about their pregnancy with sweet baby Audrey and it turned into such a way to connect and let others know that they are not walking alone. It has been amazing to see so many touched by this story and I am so proud of Angie for being able and willing to write her thoughts for all to see. She is honest, vulnerable, raw and real. You can check out Audrey's story here (have some kleenex handy), it is a story of faith, trials, pain, inspiration and how God used the short life of one baby girl along with her family to touch thousands. This is not a candy coated happy-go-lucky Christian story of how they just smiled through it all and trusted God...it is so raw, real and refreshing.
Her book gives even more detail and you will not be able to put it down.
SO without further ado...go buy it

hmm love and free-will

mmmm quiet....in my life that doesn't happen very often...even at night our "lovely" apartment building isn't exactly sound proof so there are always some sort of noises going on. but right now it's just quiet. Breck has finally settled down in the Wheeler's garage, polly is sleeping at my feet, sweet little E is sound asleep in her bed...the TV is turned off, no music is on, the busy day has come to a nice little halt....and as I thought about turning on the TV or watching something on the computer or listening to music I thought...I am around noise and hustle and bustle all day long, and so many times I wonder to myself why I have such a problem hearing God sometimes....maybe..just maybe..I'm not taking time to listen. Maybe I'm so caught up with HAVING to be busy that even when I have an hour to just sit in silence, I can't. So tonight silence it was. Silence and a WONDERFUL conversation with a dear friend countries away over the internet. Just what I needed to regroup from my weekend pity party and exhaustion...I finally kicked myself in the rear and got back on my feet. ...ok back to why I'm on here....
So...with all that has been going on and with knowing/hearing/seeing other people's stories too this whole "love" subject has sorta been just lingering in the air for some time now. Our pastor happened to touch on it awhile back while going through genesis a little more in depth than I ever had heard. This whole idea of "can we know love without knowing first hurt, pain, loneliness and shame?" Trying to answer that question everyone asks at least at one point in their life of "if God loves us...or if God loves me...then this would not happen, there would be no hunger, innocent people would not go through pain, there would be no trials, or struggles, families would not fall apart, people would not kill other people...etc." Ever since I heard our pastor talk on Genesis that night I have thought a lot about this and it has come up several times in this whole "community" search as well and what it is we need, look for, expect, in community.

I still don't think there is an easy "answer" but I do think there is an answer that can put, at least me, at ease a little.

When God created he created giving us free will. which can be a subject full of debate....personally I see no debate worth having...we are either robots with no feeling or we are free to make our choices and truly live. not sure who would pick robot....

I'm gonna try not to go to in depth cause I could go on for pages....

We are created with free will right? the freedom to make our own choices, right? Well isn't it true that every choice you make influences someone else? (those who say that your choice is your choice and takes no effect on anyone else are completely naive or in total denial). Even down to which brand of cereal you buy at the grocery store...it influences someone. Now take all the hurt in the world....every situation really is due to someone's decision. Corrupt government leaders, criminals, abusive relationships, etc. These peoples' decisions influence those around them...unfortunately the innocent are usually the ones who hurt from the decisions. Well here is the thing...they are free to choose the right thing to do...they don't, but they did have that decision to make. Just like every one of us has a decision to do the right thing every day. God doesn't "make" things happen to inoccent people, He may allow because he created with the freedom to choose...but He also feels. God hurts when His children hurt. He cries right along side you...but there is where the love thing comes in. Can we know love without hurt? Think of it like this...can you really appreciate something, without first having gone without it? Or having seen someone else go without? God loves us so much He gives us opportunities to confess, to come to Him, to choose to accept His love and to choose to love back. Love is a choice, In the garden after Adam and Eve had sinned they covered themselves and hid. Well as we know you can't hide from God...yet God still went along...calling out, saying "where are you"....He gave them a chance to come forward. Just like a parent..even though they know their child has just hit someone...still asks..what did you do? It's a teaching moment..and why do parents do that? Cause they love their kids...why does God do that? cause He loves us...He WANTS us to make the right choice, He gives us that chance. We wonder why God allows bad things to happen to good people...think about your life...have you ever lied to someone? gossiped? said something mean to someone? You hurt someone....You made a choice, the other person didn't yet they paid a price. That is the beautiful messiness of free-will. Without free-will we may not have orphans or hunger, but we also wouldn't have people who love enough to stop their own lives, travel across the world and bring families to those orphans, feed those hungry, touch a hand that no one else will touch....give someone love who had never felt love before...and in doing so share the overwhelming un-changing love of God. Without free-will, pain or hurt...we would have nothing to live for, no purpose, no story, no way of touching lives or being touched by lives. What kind of a life would that be? We can choose to love, we can choose to obey, we can choose to trust, and we can choose to walk in faith when "bad" things happen..knowing that this is not the end..a God who loves us enough to walk through the trials with us, hurting alongside you has a place prepared where there will be no more of the suffering....why? Because He loves us. Who else would be willing to send their perfect son to go through so much pain and suffering so that we may have life? Would you?

just an update...nothing profound :P

So my next post was going to be about the "love" subject along with my last post, but I just need to write a little update on what has been going on the last three weeks of my life......

Whoever says that God is boring, the Bible is bland, or church is un-exciting....has not experienced the God that I serve. And whoever says that there is no such thing as God only coincidence has to admit that there are just WAY to many coincidences that go on in my life to actually be coincidence. So anyway about three weeks ago I started having a very strong stirring in my heart that there needed to be some action taken in changing what I was doing in my everyday life. I came here to pursue my passions and dreams and always told myself that I would not just settle and have a job to have a job....I know, I know, I should be thankful to have a job because the economy is in the dumps. Please don't get me wrong here, I have been so beyond blessed to have jobs since coming to Nashville, but it's time to take some action and leap out in faith now.
I have begged God daily to tell me what my purpose is in moving here and what I am supposed to be doing and the answer I have always gotten up until three weeks ago has been...wait. This is just a waiting period, I have blessed you with financial provisions and I want you to wait. In the meantime...when I call you to serve, just to serve not to gain more money...I want you to obey. So this has been my life for the last seven months. Working, babysitting, photography...when called to...free babysitting or photography.
Well....the day after I started opening up to some options not thinking at all that this was when God was going to end my waiting period I had several opportunities dropped out of the sky for me and some part-time job offers that would work with those opportunities. Let's just say these were some stressful two days as I felt my near future being taken completely out of my control (as if it was in my control to begin with HA). So I told my current job about these things and prepared for the unknown road ahead, still unsure of what was happening...well the same day all this happened my roomie, Jenna, had gotten back in contact with this wonderful lady whom we had met back in October randomly at a Chick-Fil-A...long story short...they were thinking of looking for a part-time nanny. Do you see where this is going? So in just a few short (or should I say...verrrryyy loonnnggg) days I had given my notice to my job, began to pursue some options that I felt may be from God, and met with a wonderful wonderful woman of God who wants me to come help with her precious girls....God is a god of mystery and full of the unexpected. He does things when you have no idea they will happen...and it just further gives proof to His exsistence because no worldly thing could bring about these events.
Now this was all slightly stressful, but exciting stressful...now we add on the OTHER events....
that same weekend Jenna and I somehow out of the blue one weekend night started looking at puppies online (I know, we are so lame and sit on our computers on a weekend). Anyway somehow by the end of the night we had made the very spontaneous decision that we wanted a puppy...we EACH wanted a puppy....that equals two if you didn't quite get that. ;)
So we inquired about some that were super cute but the responses back were a little strange and the next day I came across these two little puppies on some random sight....now the pictures of these were these little black and whites and didn't exactly make them look...photogenic...if you know what I mean. So thinking we were really smart we decide it would be a good stress reliever and fun to just go see them and play with puppies. Just a note...never fall for this when you are with me... I am the queen of spontaneous decisions..that are not usually just small decisions. Anyway we each fell in love with a separate one, but it was to late to start the adoption that night. Both of us worked the next day and we weren't even sure we were allowed to have them in our apartment. Then we found out we can't have big dogs so we thought all hope was lost. But with some very smooth talking (something I actually DID learn at St. Olaf) we got our permission from our landlord. Went the next morning to get them..waited in the crazy mob outside till they opened..thinking they wouldn't even be there cause we had already missed a day....ran inside and found our puppies. Wait..did I mention through all this we decided that we would move early from our apartment to a place that we COULD have big dogs? yeah just another spontaneous decision to add to the pile. The next day, picked up our puppies, headed from there to meet with my new amazing future boss and had the BEST time on a rainy evening with our shoes kicked off curled up in starbucks chairs talking about random stories (best interview ever). I feel like I'm in for God teaching me lots of things through this beautiful family.
The whole next week was filled with vet runs everyday, no sleep at night, nursing a very very sick little puppy back to health (apparently it was a really bad shelter), trying to figure out how I was going to make it financially by cutting my salary in half and started to realize we need to find a new place to live ASAP! But again...God has it all planned out and several people offered to work a flexible weekly schedule that goes around this new part-time job to supplement income, my new puppy started gaining weight and looking/acting like a normal puppy, and we found an AMAZING apartment..that we never thought we would get accepted to but we did (move in on May 29 if anyone is bored and wants to help).
Now I had no say in any of this, this all happened just starting one day. I have felt so humbled and overwhelmed with the things God is doing and keep wanting to pinch myself to see if this really is real. I am a BIG dreamer and come up with crazy elaborate ideas but God never ceases to amaze me with how things work out...it's always so much better than what I had dreamed up.
I have learned so much these past seven months and am so excited to see what new things are waiting to be learned and discovered this year.
There is my super elaborate update, Im switching jobs, doing more volunteer/internship work, moving AND raising a puppy. :) Pretty much God is doing amazing things and this post really doesn't describe it to its full extent at all. I tried to limit all the crazy in-between details that went on that all helped make this happen.


Meet Breck (named after my hometown, Breckenridge..jennas is tonka for minnetonka)
This is when we found him at the shelter....look how tiny and sick he looks
Definitely not tiny and sick anymore!!! growing like a weed!